Jann and Tim put on a wonderful show tonight. Beautiful afternoon/evening. Sun shining. It was warm out, warm enough to sit on their deck. The presence of my brother and his family--people I haven't seen--except for recently, at the celebration of Twilah's life--for a couple of years because of an seemingly unresolvable difference, is a poignant reminder of Twilah's absence; so much so, it makes me ache. In the past, I only seemed to see Tom at family events if Twilah was there, because they were "thick." She was his greatest supporter and fan. I laughed at his jokes tonight, but I know it wasn't the same as when Twilah laughed. I won't enjoy a beer with him, 'cause I can't stand the stuff.
I know we were all feeling her absence. Jann served beer-marinated cheese, something Twilah had introduced her to. I brought a sparkling white Twilah ordered once when she took me out for dinner. We talked alot about Twilah. The injustices she suffered continue to be the main theme and the incredulity we all feel when it comes to her partner of so many years and so little humanity. (Thanks for the blog, Marilee. I think it helps because talking to my immediate family really doesn't. They just keep telling me to get over it, that I need to move on. How do you get over the loss of someone so exceptional and so loved? And the reality is, I don't want to move on. I want to return to the past; I want her to still be in our lives, the way she was before she fell so ill that the evil man took control.)
Dad & Twilah
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Part 1 - THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE
For the past 2 ½ years there has been very little time when I haven’t been filled with thoughts of Twilah and what I could possibly have done to help her with her fight against cancer. On the number of times I visited her in Allentown and Dallas, she always had little jobs for me to do around the house as well as accompanying her for her treatments. Somehow it never seemed enough and during my last visit to Dallas I failed to get some of the major tasks done for Twilah because of being obstructed..
Since her passing on February 21st I think of the coldhearted, shameful and disgraceful way Twilah was treated on her death bed. She was deprived of the presence of family members for a final good bye and words of love. She had expressed her wishes to her sisters and told them it was in a Living Will that she wanted to be kept alive long enough to allow family to come and say goodbye. For some reason the Living Will was missing from her file at Hospice in Dallas.
Marilee decided to make a quick trip to see Twilah on February 13th as the family was not getting information from Dallas about her condition. Upon arrival she was only able to see Twilah for 10 minutes each day, Friday and Saturday. By Sunday, the day she was to return to Toronto, Twilah was only able to blink her eyes to let Marilee know she could hear her. When Marilee returned to Toronto she phoned to let us know what she had found. We tried to contact Phil but as usual, the phone calls went unanswered. By Wednesday morning, February 18th we had decided to drive to Dallas to see Twilah for what we knew would likely be the last time. Peggy and I drove the 20 hours from Apache Junction, AZ in time to pick up Laurie Ann at the Dallas Airport late on Thursday night. Laurie Ann flew from Vancouver to say good bye with us. After spending the night in a hotel the three of us drove to Twilah’s house at 135 N. Woodland Trail, Double Oak to find Phil at the front door talking on the phone. He invited us in and held the door for us to enter. We assured him we were not planning to stay at the house and had only come to see Twilah. He told us we had 15 minutes and why didn’t we phone. We mentioned that we had phoned and he became upset that there was no indication on his phone. He then decided that we should make an appointment to see Twilah to which we agreed. His sister Pat Rogers, a retired RN from New Brunswick entered the conversation and after trying to reason with her about why a father should see his dying daughter, Phil decided to phone the police. We agreed the police should be present as we wanted to show we were there in peace to say goodbye to Twilah and did not want a commotion to bother Twilah as hearing is the last sense to shut down. We didn’t fully realize that Phil was calling the police to have us removed from the property and not allowing Twilah to see us. At this point, my wife Peggy must have realized what was happening and she opened the door to Twilah’s room and went in to see her. At this point, Pat started screaming that she had been assaulted and her brother should help her. Twilah was focused on Peggy as she came to her bed and tried to get up. Peggy told her, “Twilah its Peggy and your Dad is here to see you.” Twilah said, “Oh my God,” as she tried to raise her right arm and shoulder. Peggy immediately came to get me while Laurie went into the bedroom for a brief moment with Twilah before Phil started screaming at Laurie to get out. Laurie told Phil he did not have control over her sister to which he replied, “Yes I do, I have control, I have complete control over Twilah, now get out.” Laurie had to let go of Twilah’s hand and leave the room before saying how much she loved her. There was no reasoning with Phil even from the police or Hospice. He had us removed from the property and told we could not come back.
The police officer Sgt. Huffman gave us suggestions for access and we spent the rest of the day talking to staff with the Justice of the Peace all of which would take over a week and we knew Twilah only had a few days. We tried asking the Hospice for help but in the end they refused when they realized they had a missing file. Laurie tried phoning Phil and pleading with him to let her see her sister, she was told she had her 15 minutes and would never see Twilah again. My wife Peggy suggested that perhaps a friend of Phil’s from Richmond, BC might be able to reason with him and we phoned to ask. His friend tried to reason with Phil and ended up driving to Seattle to take a Saturday morning flight to Dallas. Saturday morning Laurie phoned Phil only to be told the “team” had determined she was a threat to her sister as was I. We can only think the “team” must be Phil and his sister. How insane to think my gentle little Laurie Ann, Twilah’s little sister who she loved so much could be a threat to Twilah’s health. Laurie flew home that afternoon. Twilah never heard her sister tell her those loving words. For myself, even though I was denied seeing my dying daughter, I just know Twilah knew I had come to see her and was there outside her room.
I took Laurie Ann’s suggestion and wrote a letter to Twilah saying those things I had wanted to tell her personally. I hoped Phil’s friend would be able get be in to see Twilah and if not then to read my letter to Twilah when he arrived. Peggy and I spent Saturday afternoon preparing the letter at the local library and waiting for Phil’s friend to arrive. After establishing with his wife in Canada that the friend was at the house and would meet us at the front of Twilah’s driveway, we drove over and gave the letter. He was very apologetic for not being able to get Phil to change his mind and allow me in to see Twilah but he agreed to read my letter. It was 5 p.m. when we left Twilah’s house on our long return trip to Arizona. Needless to say there were many phone calls from family and friends on the long trip all expressing their disbelief at the event that had taken place. One of the calls was to tell me the words I had written had been read to Twilah. I said to Peggy at the time that I was pleased about it but then again I would never really know for sure. I also kept repeating much to Peggy’s surprise that Twilah was dead. At least we both hoped that she would pass quickly and end her suffering.
Monday, February 23th we attended a lodge breakfast meeting in Apache Junction when our cell phone rang. It was my youngest daughter Jann in Vancouver calling to let us know she had just received a phone call from Phil’s friend who was still in Dallas advising us that Twilah had just passed away. He told Jann he was with Twilah when she died very peacefully. She just stopped breathing and he kissed her on the forehead.
Several days later Peggy was on the internet and googled the address in Dallas and was surprised to find it listed in the Medical Examiners public death records webpage for Saturday, February 21st NOT Monday, February 23rd. Twilah was pronounced dead at 4:35 p.m. when the examiner arrived at the house. Later we were to find she had died when Phil left for the airport to pick up his friend. She died while we sat in the library parking lot waiting to deliver my letter. Why were we lied to about the time of her death?
We phoned Phil’f friend knowing he was back in Vancouver to confirm and he said yes that was the case. Twilah was already dead when he arrived in Dallas. Phil just did not want us to know when she died he said. Twilah did not get to hear my last words to her from my letter. All of what we had been told was not true.
At the Celebration of Life for Twilah which we held on Thursday, April 9th for family and friends in Canada, I told this story to those in attendance. I did it because it was one part of a number of cruel things that the “team” did to Twilah as she lay helpless on her death bed. This needs to be told so this type of cruelty and abuse does not happen to others. Twilah could hear everything that was going on. She heard how against her wishes her family was denied the right to see her and say goodbye.
For what I said at the Celebration of Life I make no apology to anyone. I do however feel obligated to respond to a comment in an e-mail I received that I feel was prompted by what I had said. The comment was as follows:
“May there be a rebirth of grace among all of you in Twilah’s family, which is as she would want it”. Through out the last 2 ½ years I have been very proud of the way my family has behaved. I would say they behaved with a very high level of grace and thoughtfulness. This might account for why none of us including Twilah saw this coming; we just didn’t think anyone could be so hypocritical and cruel. As Twilah lay dying and we were faced with the obstructionism, misinformation and baiting none of us raised our voices or made critical or hateful remarks to any member of the “team”.
Twilah’s Dad
For the “team” I have but one word: karma.
Since her passing on February 21st I think of the coldhearted, shameful and disgraceful way Twilah was treated on her death bed. She was deprived of the presence of family members for a final good bye and words of love. She had expressed her wishes to her sisters and told them it was in a Living Will that she wanted to be kept alive long enough to allow family to come and say goodbye. For some reason the Living Will was missing from her file at Hospice in Dallas.
Marilee decided to make a quick trip to see Twilah on February 13th as the family was not getting information from Dallas about her condition. Upon arrival she was only able to see Twilah for 10 minutes each day, Friday and Saturday. By Sunday, the day she was to return to Toronto, Twilah was only able to blink her eyes to let Marilee know she could hear her. When Marilee returned to Toronto she phoned to let us know what she had found. We tried to contact Phil but as usual, the phone calls went unanswered. By Wednesday morning, February 18th we had decided to drive to Dallas to see Twilah for what we knew would likely be the last time. Peggy and I drove the 20 hours from Apache Junction, AZ in time to pick up Laurie Ann at the Dallas Airport late on Thursday night. Laurie Ann flew from Vancouver to say good bye with us. After spending the night in a hotel the three of us drove to Twilah’s house at 135 N. Woodland Trail, Double Oak to find Phil at the front door talking on the phone. He invited us in and held the door for us to enter. We assured him we were not planning to stay at the house and had only come to see Twilah. He told us we had 15 minutes and why didn’t we phone. We mentioned that we had phoned and he became upset that there was no indication on his phone. He then decided that we should make an appointment to see Twilah to which we agreed. His sister Pat Rogers, a retired RN from New Brunswick entered the conversation and after trying to reason with her about why a father should see his dying daughter, Phil decided to phone the police. We agreed the police should be present as we wanted to show we were there in peace to say goodbye to Twilah and did not want a commotion to bother Twilah as hearing is the last sense to shut down. We didn’t fully realize that Phil was calling the police to have us removed from the property and not allowing Twilah to see us. At this point, my wife Peggy must have realized what was happening and she opened the door to Twilah’s room and went in to see her. At this point, Pat started screaming that she had been assaulted and her brother should help her. Twilah was focused on Peggy as she came to her bed and tried to get up. Peggy told her, “Twilah its Peggy and your Dad is here to see you.” Twilah said, “Oh my God,” as she tried to raise her right arm and shoulder. Peggy immediately came to get me while Laurie went into the bedroom for a brief moment with Twilah before Phil started screaming at Laurie to get out. Laurie told Phil he did not have control over her sister to which he replied, “Yes I do, I have control, I have complete control over Twilah, now get out.” Laurie had to let go of Twilah’s hand and leave the room before saying how much she loved her. There was no reasoning with Phil even from the police or Hospice. He had us removed from the property and told we could not come back.
The police officer Sgt. Huffman gave us suggestions for access and we spent the rest of the day talking to staff with the Justice of the Peace all of which would take over a week and we knew Twilah only had a few days. We tried asking the Hospice for help but in the end they refused when they realized they had a missing file. Laurie tried phoning Phil and pleading with him to let her see her sister, she was told she had her 15 minutes and would never see Twilah again. My wife Peggy suggested that perhaps a friend of Phil’s from Richmond, BC might be able to reason with him and we phoned to ask. His friend tried to reason with Phil and ended up driving to Seattle to take a Saturday morning flight to Dallas. Saturday morning Laurie phoned Phil only to be told the “team” had determined she was a threat to her sister as was I. We can only think the “team” must be Phil and his sister. How insane to think my gentle little Laurie Ann, Twilah’s little sister who she loved so much could be a threat to Twilah’s health. Laurie flew home that afternoon. Twilah never heard her sister tell her those loving words. For myself, even though I was denied seeing my dying daughter, I just know Twilah knew I had come to see her and was there outside her room.
I took Laurie Ann’s suggestion and wrote a letter to Twilah saying those things I had wanted to tell her personally. I hoped Phil’s friend would be able get be in to see Twilah and if not then to read my letter to Twilah when he arrived. Peggy and I spent Saturday afternoon preparing the letter at the local library and waiting for Phil’s friend to arrive. After establishing with his wife in Canada that the friend was at the house and would meet us at the front of Twilah’s driveway, we drove over and gave the letter. He was very apologetic for not being able to get Phil to change his mind and allow me in to see Twilah but he agreed to read my letter. It was 5 p.m. when we left Twilah’s house on our long return trip to Arizona. Needless to say there were many phone calls from family and friends on the long trip all expressing their disbelief at the event that had taken place. One of the calls was to tell me the words I had written had been read to Twilah. I said to Peggy at the time that I was pleased about it but then again I would never really know for sure. I also kept repeating much to Peggy’s surprise that Twilah was dead. At least we both hoped that she would pass quickly and end her suffering.
Monday, February 23th we attended a lodge breakfast meeting in Apache Junction when our cell phone rang. It was my youngest daughter Jann in Vancouver calling to let us know she had just received a phone call from Phil’s friend who was still in Dallas advising us that Twilah had just passed away. He told Jann he was with Twilah when she died very peacefully. She just stopped breathing and he kissed her on the forehead.
Several days later Peggy was on the internet and googled the address in Dallas and was surprised to find it listed in the Medical Examiners public death records webpage for Saturday, February 21st NOT Monday, February 23rd. Twilah was pronounced dead at 4:35 p.m. when the examiner arrived at the house. Later we were to find she had died when Phil left for the airport to pick up his friend. She died while we sat in the library parking lot waiting to deliver my letter. Why were we lied to about the time of her death?
We phoned Phil’f friend knowing he was back in Vancouver to confirm and he said yes that was the case. Twilah was already dead when he arrived in Dallas. Phil just did not want us to know when she died he said. Twilah did not get to hear my last words to her from my letter. All of what we had been told was not true.
At the Celebration of Life for Twilah which we held on Thursday, April 9th for family and friends in Canada, I told this story to those in attendance. I did it because it was one part of a number of cruel things that the “team” did to Twilah as she lay helpless on her death bed. This needs to be told so this type of cruelty and abuse does not happen to others. Twilah could hear everything that was going on. She heard how against her wishes her family was denied the right to see her and say goodbye.
For what I said at the Celebration of Life I make no apology to anyone. I do however feel obligated to respond to a comment in an e-mail I received that I feel was prompted by what I had said. The comment was as follows:
“May there be a rebirth of grace among all of you in Twilah’s family, which is as she would want it”. Through out the last 2 ½ years I have been very proud of the way my family has behaved. I would say they behaved with a very high level of grace and thoughtfulness. This might account for why none of us including Twilah saw this coming; we just didn’t think anyone could be so hypocritical and cruel. As Twilah lay dying and we were faced with the obstructionism, misinformation and baiting none of us raised our voices or made critical or hateful remarks to any member of the “team”.
Twilah’s Dad
For the “team” I have but one word: karma.
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