The MBA and the "retracted gift" story

I might as well tell this story: Twilah was an extremely intelligent lady who should have gone to university. She did not but instead decided to get her MBA from the University of Athabasca in Alberta. She aced all her assignments with A+ and the lowest grade of an A- on one paper. She managed to do all this while working at a time in her career with a lot of travel and relocating from the US to Canada and back. A little more than half way through the 2 year course she was diagnosed with cancer. She continued her studies and maintained her high scores. She finally had to withdraw from the course just prior to completing her final paper which would have been on her project of merging two companies. She did not tell the University she had been diagnosed as Stage IV.

Last November her father phoned the University, explained the history of why Twilah had withdrawn and asked that based on the strength of her high marks could they not see a way to award her diploma. They phoned Foster back within a week and agreed Twilah should be awarded her diploma and they would send it to her by courier on December 15th. They asked permission to phone Twilah first and let her know. We later found out from Twilah that she took their call while in a used book store with her daughter, sat down and cried. It was a great Christmas gift for Twilah because she worked so hard for her MBA.

Her Aunt Lou in Montreal felt Twilah deserved a bit more recognition of this achievement and bought a congratulations card together with a Canadian Postal money order for $100.00 US and mailed it to Twilah in January. She never heard if Twilah got her gift. After Twilah died Aunt Lou went to the post office and filed a claim for the lost money order. She waited the allotted time and the post office finally paid her back the $100.00. However in May the post office contacted Aunt Lou to let her know the original money order had been cashed in April, would send her a copy and expected to be paid back. Aunt Lou told the post office that it had been cashed by someone other than her neice because it was cashed after she died. It had been deposited into Phil’s bank account. The post office was now looking at a fraud case. Aunt Lou asked the post office to hold off on the case until she had the opportunity to get the money back. She phoned Phil and told him that it was a gift for Twilah not him and wanted the money returned. He told her that Twilah never saw the card so he took the money and deposited it in the bank. He agreed to mail it back to her. She received his check within two weeks and written on the cheque was “retracted gift”. Tacky! Now I know why I never heard from Twilah on other things that were sent to her, she was never given them.

Peggy Richardson
Twilah's step-mother

Signatures that might make you wonder

These signatures are from Twilah's Power of Attorney in June 2008 and on the new Will arranged by Phil on 12 February - 9 days before she died.

Part II from Twilah’s Dad
How sad! Some people have no shame.

I wanted to get Part II out sooner than this but as life goes when I lost Twilah I also lost a lot of my drive. As a result it has been easier for me to just think of Twilah and the circumstances I experienced as she lay dying than to get this worthwhile information down on paper so that folks know that whatever could be done was. They should also understand that this will never be over for me. The following is Part II along with comments on something that I feel needs clarification.

After Twilah’s death my daughter Jann phoned Twilah’s husband, Phil. On a prior visit Jann had discussed with him the possibility of Twilah’s family interring her with her Mom and sister Holly in Nova Scotia to which he was agreeable. To her shock and dismay when she identified herself and why she was calling he said, “Twilah’s been dead a long time.” and hung up on her.

My reaction to this after having witnessed the disdainful attitude he displayed toward Twilah while alive followed by these comments to my daughter, was to take some form of legal action to insure that Twilah’s remains and her wishes were respected. I engaged a lawyer in Denton County and followed his advice of petitioning the court to require Phil to produce her last Will to the court. This court order was disregarded within the time specified and I took further action where I was to appear in court on March 24th. I flew to Texas on the 23rd and on arrival was given a message to call my lawyer. Apparently while I was flying to Dallas, Phil finally supplied a copy of the Will. There was no mention of Twilah’s wishes for interment in this new document arranged by Phil 9 days before she died. It awarded Phil sole control of the Trusts which Twilah had set up for her family and all the Richardson Family heirlooms, mementos and photographs which Twilah’s Mom had made Twilah custodian of for eventual distribution to her siblings. As this new Will did not mention interment, there were no grounds to go to court which I cancelled and flew home. This also explains Phillip’s shouting at my daughter Laurie while she was trying to say good bye to Twilah on her death bed, “I do have control. I have complete control over Twilah. Now get out”. Twilah heard all this and more and died knowing her husband denied her seeing her father and sister. She knew we were there to see her but were blocked by her husband and for what reason? Why did he not want anyone to see Twilah?

My daughter Marilee visited with Twilah on February 13 – 15th and had communicated to me that she managed to get 10 minutes with Twi on Friday, 10 minutes on Saturday and on Sunday she was comatose, did not eat, drink and could only acknowledge her presence by blinking 3 times to Marilee. The new Will was 34 pages long and was signed by Twilah on February 12th just 9 days before her death. Because Marilee alerted me to Twilah’s true condition and the lack of communication from Phil I went to Dallas knowing I would be saying my final good bye to Twilah. Marilee was never allowed to be alone with Twilah during her short visit.

I know that some people leave the completion of a Will to the last moment but I know my daughter Twilah would not. In fact in one discussion with a family member Phil admitted there had been a Will drawn up in Pennsylvania. Twilah was extremely intelligent, super efficient, well organized, firm and decisive and made most of the major of decisions in her marriage. When I got the copy of the new Will from my lawyer and read it and looked at Twilah’s’ signature, it brought tears to my eyes. You can’t even recognize her signature. I can not for a minute believe that Twilah would have been able to read or even listen to 34 pages of that Will and fully understand it given her condition. It was a great time to get control of someone or something, eh? For shame!!

Twilah’s husband has been telling people that it was not him or his sister Pat Rogers who prevented Laurie Ann, Peggy and I from seeing Twilah but the Vitas Hospice caregivers that stopped us and then called the police to have us removed from the property. This is an outright lie, Phil and his sister obstructed our gaining entry to see Twilah after Phil told us we had 15 minutes to see her. We distinctly heard Phil instruct the caregiver to call the police. They were there in minutes and when Sgt. Huffman asked Phil if it would be okay if he escorted Laurie Ann and I in to see Twilah, Phil said no that he wanted us off the property.

A fine barbeque, but something's (someone's) missing

Jann and Tim put on a wonderful show tonight. Beautiful afternoon/evening. Sun shining. It was warm out, warm enough to sit on their deck. The presence of my brother and his family--people I haven't seen--except for recently, at the celebration of Twilah's life--for a couple of years because of an seemingly unresolvable difference, is a poignant reminder of Twilah's absence; so much so, it makes me ache. In the past, I only seemed to see Tom at family events if Twilah was there, because they were "thick." She was his greatest supporter and fan. I laughed at his jokes tonight, but I know it wasn't the same as when Twilah laughed. I won't enjoy a beer with him, 'cause I can't stand the stuff.

I know we were all feeling her absence. Jann served beer-marinated cheese, something Twilah had introduced her to. I brought a sparkling white Twilah ordered once when she took me out for dinner. We talked alot about Twilah. The injustices she suffered continue to be the main theme and the incredulity we all feel when it comes to her partner of so many years and so little humanity. (Thanks for the blog, Marilee. I think it helps because talking to my immediate family really doesn't. They just keep telling me to get over it, that I need to move on. How do you get over the loss of someone so exceptional and so loved? And the reality is, I don't want to move on. I want to return to the past; I want her to still be in our lives, the way she was before she fell so ill that the evil man took control.)

Part 1 - THE SADDEST DAY OF MY LIFE

For the past 2 ½ years there has been very little time when I haven’t been filled with thoughts of Twilah and what I could possibly have done to help her with her fight against cancer. On the number of times I visited her in Allentown and Dallas, she always had little jobs for me to do around the house as well as accompanying her for her treatments. Somehow it never seemed enough and during my last visit to Dallas I failed to get some of the major tasks done for Twilah because of being obstructed..

Since her passing on February 21st I think of the coldhearted, shameful and disgraceful way Twilah was treated on her death bed. She was deprived of the presence of family members for a final good bye and words of love. She had expressed her wishes to her sisters and told them it was in a Living Will that she wanted to be kept alive long enough to allow family to come and say goodbye. For some reason the Living Will was missing from her file at Hospice in Dallas.

Marilee decided to make a quick trip to see Twilah on February 13th as the family was not getting information from Dallas about her condition. Upon arrival she was only able to see Twilah for 10 minutes each day, Friday and Saturday. By Sunday, the day she was to return to Toronto, Twilah was only able to blink her eyes to let Marilee know she could hear her. When Marilee returned to Toronto she phoned to let us know what she had found. We tried to contact Phil but as usual, the phone calls went unanswered. By Wednesday morning, February 18th we had decided to drive to Dallas to see Twilah for what we knew would likely be the last time. Peggy and I drove the 20 hours from Apache Junction, AZ in time to pick up Laurie Ann at the Dallas Airport late on Thursday night. Laurie Ann flew from Vancouver to say good bye with us. After spending the night in a hotel the three of us drove to Twilah’s house at 135 N. Woodland Trail, Double Oak to find Phil at the front door talking on the phone. He invited us in and held the door for us to enter. We assured him we were not planning to stay at the house and had only come to see Twilah. He told us we had 15 minutes and why didn’t we phone. We mentioned that we had phoned and he became upset that there was no indication on his phone. He then decided that we should make an appointment to see Twilah to which we agreed. His sister Pat Rogers, a retired RN from New Brunswick entered the conversation and after trying to reason with her about why a father should see his dying daughter, Phil decided to phone the police. We agreed the police should be present as we wanted to show we were there in peace to say goodbye to Twilah and did not want a commotion to bother Twilah as hearing is the last sense to shut down. We didn’t fully realize that Phil was calling the police to have us removed from the property and not allowing Twilah to see us. At this point, my wife Peggy must have realized what was happening and she opened the door to Twilah’s room and went in to see her. At this point, Pat started screaming that she had been assaulted and her brother should help her. Twilah was focused on Peggy as she came to her bed and tried to get up. Peggy told her, “Twilah its Peggy and your Dad is here to see you.” Twilah said, “Oh my God,” as she tried to raise her right arm and shoulder. Peggy immediately came to get me while Laurie went into the bedroom for a brief moment with Twilah before Phil started screaming at Laurie to get out. Laurie told Phil he did not have control over her sister to which he replied, “Yes I do, I have control, I have complete control over Twilah, now get out.” Laurie had to let go of Twilah’s hand and leave the room before saying how much she loved her. There was no reasoning with Phil even from the police or Hospice. He had us removed from the property and told we could not come back.

The police officer Sgt. Huffman gave us suggestions for access and we spent the rest of the day talking to staff with the Justice of the Peace all of which would take over a week and we knew Twilah only had a few days. We tried asking the Hospice for help but in the end they refused when they realized they had a missing file. Laurie tried phoning Phil and pleading with him to let her see her sister, she was told she had her 15 minutes and would never see Twilah again. My wife Peggy suggested that perhaps a friend of Phil’s from Richmond, BC might be able to reason with him and we phoned to ask. His friend tried to reason with Phil and ended up driving to Seattle to take a Saturday morning flight to Dallas. Saturday morning Laurie phoned Phil only to be told the “team” had determined she was a threat to her sister as was I. We can only think the “team” must be Phil and his sister. How insane to think my gentle little Laurie Ann, Twilah’s little sister who she loved so much could be a threat to Twilah’s health. Laurie flew home that afternoon. Twilah never heard her sister tell her those loving words. For myself, even though I was denied seeing my dying daughter, I just know Twilah knew I had come to see her and was there outside her room.

I took Laurie Ann’s suggestion and wrote a letter to Twilah saying those things I had wanted to tell her personally. I hoped Phil’s friend would be able get be in to see Twilah and if not then to read my letter to Twilah when he arrived. Peggy and I spent Saturday afternoon preparing the letter at the local library and waiting for Phil’s friend to arrive. After establishing with his wife in Canada that the friend was at the house and would meet us at the front of Twilah’s driveway, we drove over and gave the letter. He was very apologetic for not being able to get Phil to change his mind and allow me in to see Twilah but he agreed to read my letter. It was 5 p.m. when we left Twilah’s house on our long return trip to Arizona. Needless to say there were many phone calls from family and friends on the long trip all expressing their disbelief at the event that had taken place. One of the calls was to tell me the words I had written had been read to Twilah. I said to Peggy at the time that I was pleased about it but then again I would never really know for sure. I also kept repeating much to Peggy’s surprise that Twilah was dead. At least we both hoped that she would pass quickly and end her suffering.

Monday, February 23th we attended a lodge breakfast meeting in Apache Junction when our cell phone rang. It was my youngest daughter Jann in Vancouver calling to let us know she had just received a phone call from Phil’s friend who was still in Dallas advising us that Twilah had just passed away. He told Jann he was with Twilah when she died very peacefully. She just stopped breathing and he kissed her on the forehead.

Several days later Peggy was on the internet and googled the address in Dallas and was surprised to find it listed in the Medical Examiners public death records webpage for Saturday, February 21st NOT Monday, February 23rd. Twilah was pronounced dead at 4:35 p.m. when the examiner arrived at the house. Later we were to find she had died when Phil left for the airport to pick up his friend. She died while we sat in the library parking lot waiting to deliver my letter. Why were we lied to about the time of her death?

We phoned Phil’f friend knowing he was back in Vancouver to confirm and he said yes that was the case. Twilah was already dead when he arrived in Dallas. Phil just did not want us to know when she died he said. Twilah did not get to hear my last words to her from my letter. All of what we had been told was not true.

At the Celebration of Life for Twilah which we held on Thursday, April 9th for family and friends in Canada, I told this story to those in attendance. I did it because it was one part of a number of cruel things that the “team” did to Twilah as she lay helpless on her death bed. This needs to be told so this type of cruelty and abuse does not happen to others. Twilah could hear everything that was going on. She heard how against her wishes her family was denied the right to see her and say goodbye.

For what I said at the Celebration of Life I make no apology to anyone. I do however feel obligated to respond to a comment in an e-mail I received that I feel was prompted by what I had said. The comment was as follows:
“May there be a rebirth of grace among all of you in Twilah’s family, which is as she would want it”. Through out the last 2 ½ years I have been very proud of the way my family has behaved. I would say they behaved with a very high level of grace and thoughtfulness. This might account for why none of us including Twilah saw this coming; we just didn’t think anyone could be so hypocritical and cruel. As Twilah lay dying and we were faced with the obstructionism, misinformation and baiting none of us raised our voices or made critical or hateful remarks to any member of the “team”.
Twilah’s Dad

For the “team” I have but one word: karma.

Spring..and so sad

I was thinking about my visit to Twilah's last October.  She had only just moved in.  While Laurie and I were there Twilah spent many hours in her new backyard.  One very warm afternoon Laurie and I joined Twilah on her deck.  Twilah, always so knowledgeable about all forms of plants, talked to us about how she was going to prune back this vine, remove that plant which didn't belong there and then she would be able to sit at her patio table and see the little lake at the back of her property.  Laurie and I began immediately to attack the unwanted and overgrown plants according to Twilah's directions.  I have no skill as a gardener, hacker is more the term I would use to describe my ability in the garden.  I hacked my way through much of her garden tyring to make the plants bend to my will.  I wanted to control, to help, to fix what was going on with this evil that had taken over my sister.  I did a poor job of the plants and can no longer do anything to have an effect on Twilah's life and the disease that took her from me.

 

As I think of that day in Dallas  I am sad that Twilah is not here to tend her plants, sit in her backyard, plan the next pruning, add some colour to all the pots on her deck, find native varieties for the garden and look out at the lake.  This time of planting, when the air changes and the weather turns warm,  I will always think of Twilah and forever feel sad that I have lost my wonderful sister.

Always room in Twi's bed

I really wanted to start my entries with memories of family life with Twilah.  I'm not sure if it was once a week or simply a few times in my life, but I have a beautiful image of sneeking down the purple carpetted hall on Nanterre to the refuge of Twilah's bed late at night.  It was inevitable that Tommy would have arrived before me, tucked in and spooning with Twilah under her black and white comforter.  She would have Ming, the massive tomcat, wrapped around her head sleeping so peacefully.  I don't think I woke her when I slipped in behind the crook of her legs laying my head on her calf.  It was such a safe and comforting feeling to be close to Twilah.  Sleep would come quickly.

To explain why I chose Twilah's bed, when I had no bed of my own but a place in either Marilee's or Laurie's bed, is difficult.  I think it is something we all felt with her.  Twilah exuded strength, confidence and above all a love beyond compare.  

Making arrangements for my last visit to see Twilah, she said to me, " there's always room for family, Jammie.  (She was having her house renovated and Phill's sister Pat was visiting.)  I'll kick Phill out to the couch and you and I can share my bed".  I wish I had taken her up on the offer and then had the memory of one last cuddle in Twilah's warm bed. :(

CBC Radio

Today I was listening to CBC Radio, where the guest being interviewed, a lawyer, specializing in wills and estate disputes, invited listeners to call in and tell their story of will or estate struggles, and I did.
After listening to my story, the lawyer said that there is absolutely nothing we could have controlled, considering Phill was named executor of Twilah's will. As far as the wishes Twilah verbalized to any of us not being carried out, he said that verbal wishes are always left to the kind heart of the executor - and then said it was obvious "my brother-in-law didn't have one". Nice to have it said on a national radio show.

A visit

Twilah visited my dreams on Tuesday night. She came as a young lady of 17 with beautiful clear skin and honey highlighted shoulder length hair in a pageboy style. Her checks were flushed with colour and she was happy, very happy. She leaned against a counter in a bright kitchen as she explained her inner happiness and where she had felt pain in her head, neck and shoulder before she left this earth. I sensed that she needed to explain the past pain to me so I could understand the depth of her peace and happiness now. She simply said, "Don't worry" smiled and was gone.

Every since that dream I no longer have the bad recall or flash back memories of the Dallas trip. Even the anger is leaving me. Sometimes I even feel sorry for that unhappy sick husband to which she denied her love in the end. I wonder if he knows that karma is coming. So sad the children have been denied the opportunity to celebrate her outstanding life. Their faither has effectively shown them how to treat him when he dies - alone, no one to hold his hand or whisper soft caring words and without love.

Peggy - Twi's step-mom

Just an FYI for my family - We have all been trying to stay in contact with Twilah's children to let them know that we care and we are here for them if they need anything - I continue to be shocked and dismayed at their lack of desire to take a=our calls or answer our emails, however, they have now removed themselves from Facebook. I guess this is their way of completely shutting u out. How sad :(

Family

Family - A loving family, is the greatest gift. To be raised in a loving environment, surrounded by loving family members, gives one a kind of strength and to pursue life's experiences without the fear of failure. It allows us to grow and nourish our own children with kindness and confidence, allowing them to carry on the trend and contributing wonderful things to this world.

It sounds a little far fetched maybe, but we have seen it proven in our immediate family, and we have seen the reverse in this sad situation with Twilah and her husband, where both parents didn't share these the same values.
Twilah contributed, in a wonderful way, to so many people's lives. She definitely was a powerful force on this earth. With all the good energy flowing, still, from her many acts of kindness,the world is a better place to live.
Thanks Twi

The Finality of It All

The tribute to Twilah on Thursday was special, but most importantly, necessary for her family (the Canadian branch). It was a chance for us to achieve some closure, something we were denied, including Twilah, because of the "evil that lurks in the hearts" of some. Odd how you can know someone for nearly 30 years, and yet not know how evil they are. He didn't amount to much, but he clearly was a convincing actor of the Academy Award variety. This blog is in Twilah's honour (thank you, Marilee), so I won't waste words on things that make me physically ill and that I cannot change, or that would sadden (anger) Twilah, if she were still alive. It will be a continuing tribute to Twilah, her love of life, her strength, generousity, and unending love.

Twilah would have warmed at the sight of her Canadian family, friends, and former colleagues getting together. We shared some laughs and some tears as we remembered the good times, when Twilah was living in Canada and still in good health. How quickly things changed.

At the end of the week end, there was more sadness for me when sister, Marilee, left for Toronto. Even more than the memorial, it represented such finality to Twilah's passing. I only hope that we will not wait until the next sad occasion for the Canadian family to be together again. I love my family just as I loved Twilah.